Taking Time Off

When life hits you with certain curve balls, you have got to do one of three things; dodge them, let them hit you in the face, or just ignore them and take some time off. Doing that for a while seemed the best idea. But I realize how dire the consequences have been. I took time off from the things that have been me for such a long time. Writing for example, all I do is record what happens daily but not really how I feel. Maybe its the 'guy' in me that took over. I have not held a paintbrush in my hand for almost a year. The last painting activity I did was on a pot in the back yard with family and young girls. When it got dark and chilly out, I stopped and have not finished ever since. I have not done any creatives with the pictures I like to take...I keep wanting to make these memory books as gifts for friends and family, but I took time off. There is a plus to this complacency though. I started to define myself in other ways. And that has opened a new door in my life that I have been afraid of passing through. So many things are changing so fast in my life and sometimes I just want to be numb and ignore what's happening. So many challenges are popping up every single minute along with the changes. Constantly on my toes, I have no time off at all. Even sleep is just for a few hours to cool down, otherwise I'm almost hardwired on overdrive. Maybe this is a way of taking time off other issues that now seem mundane. I am back now...hopefully people still read as much as they watch YouTube videos (culprit). Even though I mostly talk to myself, this form of dealing with my curve balls is therapy enough for me. Ahhhhh, feel better now...back to work!!

Time Warp

I get stuck in a time wrap of memories...the other day I read something from my favorite author. He warned about dwelling in the past. You forget to live in the moment. But what if everything you see or feel or hear reminds you of those memories? Then you start trying so hard to remember all the accounts bit by bit? When I'm fed up with all the responsibilities that accumulate as I grow, I want to go back to my simple childhood and be as happy and carefree! I think for the past month and a half I've been running in circles about my future. So I dwell in the past and I'm uncertain about tomorrow...who's not? Unless I can definitely find someone who just lives for the moment. I get really angry and then terrified. The worst part is that even though I look for help, no one can really give me the answers I seek. I have not felt an ounce of satisfaction and maybe because I try too hard or too little to get to perfection. But I'm fortunate to afford a smile on my face or a tear of joy. I feel so grateful for he wonderful people and environment that I am surrounded by. Why is it never enough until we have nothing else? I cannot really answer that and I don't know if anyone can. Maybe a meeting with the wise councils of the universe who can help me translate my conversations with God or interpret some of the craziest dreams. But anything to get me out of this still life that I tend to get stuck in and only have wisps of distraction that keep me within the boundaries of sanity.The changes I experience in and out are divine and hopefully we can all just take our time and see that and appreciate ourselves for it. Sometimes I do not have the best attitude to those that love me the most. Why is it that much harder to go back and make amends...in my experience, it is because you regard their opinion about you to the highest level. They make the biggest impact and have the largest influence. Even though I try to deny it, somehow I end up emulating exactly their character and it is the biggest battle of all to accept. Time...its happening no and will go on forever, we've just got to tick along!

Edit Undo

As I type I can easily undo an error by deleting or by editing and undoing the wrong parts. There are some things in life that you wish you could undo with immediate effect. But we would never learn if that was the case. You can always wish to have taken an offer five minutes after it has passed, or taking back the words of comments made in bitterness or pain, or followed your instinct and taken the alternative route to avoid whatever happened, or accepting that kiss that caused a break-up in relationships, or having one too many the night of the party, or reverse time and start over, or taking the umbrella when you knew it was going to rain, or letting the dog out before it soiled the carpet, or putting the document back in a safe place before it got lost, or throwing the first punch because some offended you, or hitting the snooze button instead of waking up or just staying indoors all day! There are so many things we wish to undo, but life is not a word document or an computer office application. Somehow we have to live through those ghastly moments and keep going from there. It may be the birthday wish you forgot to send; stop feeling so guilty and instead make a day for the person and call it their day. It could be as random as the weather changes. How often do we make contact and hold the hand of someone we love in a day or a week? We may have come to the earth alone, but we need to appreciate now and those who are there too. Love from a distance does not exist in online relationships, it can happen around you from the people who surround you. This has been on my mind for a while and I'm not saying I have been practising it myself, I just thought I would share what I long to do! For those of us who dwell in the edit undo button...better say your sorry and start a new!

Blessings

A smile is worth it!!

These are some of the things that have made me smile over the past two weeks:

* When the younger Masai sales man at the kiosk tried a flirting stunt by holding my hand as he gave me change (LOL)

* My interesting class discussions (which for a few I went late and hardly said a word until my mind settled in about 15-20minutes! The topics are so inspiring and I get to share the things I've come across and never thought they'd be handy or worth anything!!

* When I saw the picture of our S.G tour in the daily paper and my ma was the first person I texted!! Then Aram, Anita, Feizal (then my credit was over) But I got all their equally happy for me replies!!

* Washing Aram's ma's car with him after a nice cup of tea and her addictive chocolate cake that I never stop thinking about!!

* The pair of beautiful earrings from his hardworking mum; she is dedicated and determined!!

* Pinky's homecoming!! A new dog and she loves me :) I slept with her on her first night over and she's still misses Patric but she'll come around!! I was so excited way before she came.

* Watching the animation ''Legend of the Guardians''...magnificent!!!

* Going for world religion day gathering; such tranquility and happiness with diverse beings and a common understanding!

*The beautiful stars and the moon in the night sky!

*Hearing from friends and realizing we mostly go through the same thing and after we talk about it, the load seems lighter because it has been shared!

* The little rain that fell one night, it must have been taunting to the dry earth, but it was a promise of more to come...I hope!!

* Being alive and having all these things and more to give me a smile, even when I want to throw in the towel and call it a century!!

Solo!

Today I woke up feeling isolated, alone. I n a world full of people surrounded constantly, I still feel like its just me. Showered by love from family and from him! It feels like a vacuum but i never fill the space...still empty! Maybe I take things too seriously and I don't give myself time to live. I still drive myself to achieve my life desires, to maintain good health (though slowly dwindling over stress!) and plan for future ventures. So that must mean something; there's the spirit within me pushing me forward. If I was truly on my own I would have quit ages ago. The many times I wanted to give up but didn't. Around me, most think I have all my stuff under control and that's how  like it to be...but I admit at times I need help. Hope lingers within me, some days brighter than this. Today is beautiful, warm and sunny, clear blue sky! The intensity of my happiness can be matched by that of my anger; both go through my veins to great highs! Maye  haven't learnt how to control either so that I end up exploding on the most immediate victim who has to bear my frustrations! It's also the same when those around me are not able to reflect the same energy and so far only few have but I have resigned to being mellow most of the time. So confusing are the things that run through my mind. I learnt that one minute can harbor so much, it's essential to make the best of it! I forget to remember there is so much to live for and all the privileges I have, but until I learn to share, I am locked up in futile attempts! What I need is to unlock that childhood happiness...cliche or not, its the only way I know how to feel free!